” YOU WERE NOT EXPECTED TO ASPIRE TO EXCELLENCE; YOU WERE EXPECTED TO MAKE PEACE WITH MEDIOCRITY”. -JAMES BALDWIN
I remember the first day I met Tracy. She was far too energetic for a regular Tuesday… lol. With kind eyes, incredible style, and high intellect I was a bit intimidated….. I remember walking to my next meeting like “who was that person”?!?!?!?
When you meet Tracy, her brilliance sneaks up on you, as you are initially eyeing the latest fashions from head to toe. Over time, you realize she’s the whole package as an Executive, Mom, Wife, Sister, Friend, and Doctoral-level Nurse.
14 years later, I can declare she is my best friend. We’ve been through every roller coaster you can imagine, and today stand as a true demonstration of resilient friendship. She’s the person that tells me when the outfit is not hitting, AND celebrates with me when my project wins!!!! We are somehow opposites, and similar all at once? It’s very difficult to explain. As Black women we’ve faced challenges, storms, and shared experiences only one of similar culture can understand. We’ve somehow become what statistics predict we shouldn’t be, and the “checked boxes” say we aren’t. We’re both quirky, and love coffee just a bit too much. (I mean… I wrote a whole post about it LOL).
When thinking about social wellness, of course she came to mind for many, many reasons. To prepare for this discussion, we both read the book “Fighting for our Friendships” so we can anchor on the authors points and work to incorporate being better friends for each other.
I hope this conversation encourages you to reflect upon resilient friendships and why we must fight to save them.
What is Social Wellness?
According to an article in INC “The Secret to Social Fitness“; the biggest predictor of health and happiness in life isn’t something like cholesterol level or blood pressure. It was the strength of a person’s relationships. Social fitness, is just like physical fitness. You need to work at it. At Whispers, we define Social wellness as our ability to interact successfully in our global community and to live up to the expectations and demands of our personal roles.
Interview with Dr. Tracy Womack
Me: Any reflections on the Whisper template rating each area?
Tracy: I rated myself a 7 on social wellness. (Me interjects: of course! I’m a 3 and you are a 7 LOL!) I can socially connect with people very easy and be very social. But I need to balance that out, and take more time to pause and stop and pour it back into me. For example, if I balanced out social time with work, I can have more time on the treadmill. I can be a social butterfly be I need to be able to pour into self socially. Where I struggle is on physical I rated lower Myself lower to a 2. I do walk and get steps in, and my nutrition is pretty well, but I think I can do better. Spiritual was my highest as I stay connected to My Source, the Higher Power that is driving and keeping me alive.
Me: Any reflections on the definition of social wellness?
Tracy: In the past I was always a people pleaser, always looked to pour into others and neglect self. I would set these personal intentions and always fail at it. Fulfilling other people to the detriment of me. As a result I diminished me and the cup is empty then what? I’m in a season of change. I’m no longer making intentions based on time or new year, ect… I’m learning how to pivot when I need to pivot. I’m connecting with My time on earth. Being more present. Be more about the here and now.
I show up and give very best with the time we have now. I often connect with my Son teaching him to be intentional now. You don’t know when you will get the intention to do it again. Don’t live with regret or what it, maybe if I. Reflecting on social wellness and embrace every moment. Do your best with what you have. Some of it comes with age, and you have another chance to say something. You don’t have another chance to do it again.
Me: In the Whispers Post The Road to Belonging I talk about the epidemic of loneliness. Was this concept relatable?
“I see so many people belonging to their vocation” Dr. Tracy Womack
- If you dedicate so many hours to the vocation, it becomes very lonely and isolating yourself from your family, and fill your cup.
- It’s a vicious cycle learning to work through.
- Sometimes, the harder you work the more isolated you become.
- You must make small changes every day and set hard boundaries mindfully
Me: In the Book “Fighting For Our Friendships” Ms. Danielle Bayard Jackson writes
Women who have strong bonds receive more emotional support, have more career advancement, make more money, experience more satisfaction in their romantic relationships, and are better able to regulate their emotions. Do you find this to be true?
YES!! There is a connection of belonging with women friendships that a husband can’t replicate (Me: in background AMEN!!).
There is a sense of finding someone that can cling to your emotions and nudge you and give you the criticisms and be there for you. Our friendships give us something we don’t give ourselves.
Finding a friendships that will pour into you and can finish my sentence. Those are things that our romantic partner can’t give and another woman someone that you can give the best of one another.
When a person does well you authentically feel good and want more for that individual. Now that’s a REAL and authentic female friendships.
Me: Harvard-trained social scientist and author Kasley Killam has a framework for relational health she calls it the 5-3-1 rule.
- Spending time with five different people a week. This could be anyone from your gym buddy or book club bestie to the person the next pew over at your church.
- Nurturing three close relationships. Here, Killam is talking about maintaining the tightest bonds in your life, usually with family and dear friends.
- Aiming for one hour of social interaction a day. “That doesn’t have to be all at once. It could be 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there
What are your reactions to this model?
Tracy: As a social butterfly I hit these numbers pretty well. I do work on making sure those interactions are not overshadowed by topics such as work. Sometimes, that topic can boomerang, but I’m working to cultivate that time not to be career-related.
Me: I totally understand, I think we should start a new hobby together, how about getting Cricut machines… we can do that virtually together right?!?!!? LOL! I know I need help getting in my 5-3-1!!
Me: At one point we lost our way from one another. The Author of Fighting for our Friendships talks about the four barriers of reconciliation… phew now we can talk about this. Which one did we overcome to Fight for our Friendship?
- Tracy: We both were willing to be vulnerable.
- After spending time away from each other, we decided to meet for dinner. That was the first step in us willing to be vulnerable.
- When we met for dinner, and we both walked into that restaurant vulnerable
- Me– we knew we were worth fighting for no matter what
- I was able to take the full armor off. That day when we reconciled you penetrated through the amore. I was able to slowly remove it shield, breastplate, ect.. item by item because I know am safe.
Me: In building resilient friendships Ms. Jackson states there are four key values: consistency, open mindedness, accountability, and positivity. What advice would you have for ppl wanting to build resilient friendships?
Tracy:
- Speak your truth
- Trust the process
- Stay through it all
- Vocalize your needs, we can’t read minds
- Invest in your relationships
Me: Please finish this sentence… I want every woman to give themself radical permission to….
Tracy: be wrong……. If you’re right about everything you never know when it’s time to take a step back and pivot. We don’t give ourselves permission to fail. You don’t have to be superwoman all the time. It’s ok.
While writing this post, I audibly laughed recalling the THREE HOURS we spent on zoom. I could not possibly include it all. I hope what I did include was helpful and meaningful to you.
Would you like to hear all the Wellness Interviews LIVE? Drop me a note! Thinking about a Fall session (that will be recorded) with all our illustrious interviewees on Zoom!!! Tell us your thoughts!
In peace,
J
References:
The T-shirts we are wearing is in support of a podcast called “Planners and Wine“. They are awesome!
Link to purchase P&W merch